Good English custard, in the truest, most authentic sense, is a difficult dessert to make. Almost everyone screws it up somehow (and I'll try to point out common mistakes). Just remember kids, the point is, to not fuck up.
1. You need this. There's no need to order fancy custard powder online, although you might be surprised at how expensive this might be (I believe it's imported). Be sure to reseal. This powder is hygroscopic. Like... all powders.
2. You also need some sugar. "Did you really need to put in a picture of sugar?", you ask. Yes, because I like to show off my fancy container. Which I got from Ikea. Which was $2. Fancy.
3. So this is an important step. You must make a primer. Ever watch me get some coffee? I always make a primer. Let me comment on that. There are people that go apeshit over a lack of "stirrers" - those plastic things that solo makes billions of.*
First of all, just take some cream and sugar and drop it in your cup first, then swirl it around for a few seconds.
Second, add some coffee and swirl it around some more.
Third, lift that coffee pot as high as you can (comfortably) and pour it into your cup. No stirring necessary. Now stop wasting plastic.
Back to my procedure. You have to make a primer and you can't have any residual clumps of powder at base of your primer. But even if you do, when you're mixing in your primer into your milk, make sure you skim it off the top, not to get any clumps. Microwave for 30 seconds, skim off 2 spoons of primer and mix it in. Repeat. Also, you may want to microwave at 20-40% power.
FUCK UP MOMENT: DO NOT LET IT CLUMP AT THE BOTTOM
4. Watch this like a hawk. It's going to heave and lurch like a chronic alcoholic who's had his last drink, but you mustn't let it throw up and die!** This is where the microwave power limits come in. Don't nuke it. Negative style points.
FUCK UP MOMENT: DO NOT LET IT DIE.
5. Finally, after 6-7 minutes, it'll be done. Let it rest quietly.
FUCK UP MOMENT: DO NOT SKIM THE TOP OFF REPEATEDLY. POINTLESS.
6. Prepare your fruits. You can throw in anything in custard really, as long as it's soft (and not something weird like.. meat or pasta). Technically, it's now called fruit custard. Fresh fruits are better. Strawberries and mangoes are awesome. Blueberries and blackberries, fruits that generally tend to disintegrate with time are a bad idea. It's best to preserve the original custard color. But really, I only threw in this step for this:
FUCK UP MOMENT: DO NOT THROW IN ANYTHING HARD. LIKE APPLE PIECES. PEARS MIGHT BE OK DEPENDING ON HOW RIPE THEY ARE.
This is the main fu moment. Also, make sure they're more/less the same size. And bite sized. Now cool everything down.
And in the end, when you do finally get around to having some, I think you will concur - this is a mover and shaker. Like Physics and Medicine and Red Hot Chili Peppers, add English Custard to the list of things that can really bring peace. It's even halal. Now, come on Brits, spread the wealth!
*: Ending a sentence with a preposition. Bam!
**: Admit it, you did not get this reference when you read it. Some of you will never get it.