Today I went to lab and I was recommended that I should continue lab work when my academic commitments are fullfilled, as in, not to worry about committed hours (9 a week) or anything like that.
In a way, that's almost weak and last spring when I had, what should have been a harder schedule, I had time for labwork. Yet this semester, I'm only taking 19 hours, so I should have ample time for lab, but no. I don't. Again and again I've been going over in my head why this is happening, and I've narrowed it down to two options 1) the BME class or 2) my need for perfection has gone through the roof.
I'm going to stick with the second one, because bitching about a class gets me no-where. I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, that I keep pushing myself harder and harder and it's gotten to a point where I've reached the day limit, i.e. the sleep limit. At this point, the only thing keeping me from finishing everything is a need for sleep and even then, lately, right before I go to bed, I time 6 hours + some (usually 20-30 minutes) and then go to sleep. I've been waking before my alarm clock to finish work, running to class 6-7 minutes before it starts, biking to increase efficiency when necessary.
Why? Yet even with all these changes, I'm totally weak that I can't juggle everything at once and that I must be actively told to "get things in order". A good reality check that was, for I think I know the problem. By this Friday noon-time, things will start settling down. My cell bio exam will be over and my BME project should have little left to do. The situation is changing now, performance anxiety is building to immeasurable levels, so change begins.. now. Push harder? Hell yes. But with better grace, better control. I want to, need to, get back to the machine-like efficiency I demonstrated last spring.
11/7/06: The Phoenix rises.