14 March 2008


What the hell was up with last night Smallville episode? First, let me start off by saying that I have my reasons for watching Smallville, which I'll detail later.

Now. Product placement. Please, keep it subtle. Starting off the set in a STRIDE factory and basing the story around gum laced with Kryptonite is a new low for Gough/Millar. Throughout the episode, they kept referring back to STRIDE.

Chloe even says once "maybe next time they won't let the flavor last quite so long..", which, after hearing, I felt like breaking something. Near the end, Pete pulls out a pack of STRIDE, which is "kryptonite-free"* and throws the pack to Chloe.

Why the hell do I even watch this show?

Smallville runs a trite formula:

First 3 minutes: ZOMGZ scene. Oh no! Something is wrong in Smallville/surrounding areas/world.
Opening credits
Another 5 minutes: Useless banter, lame sub-plot, often with problem/mystery that can be solved in 10 seconds.
Next 10 minutes: Cue friendly scene, ending with antagonism. Barn? Coffee shop? Take your pick. Replete with phrases like "Hemingway dust" and "surfing the slow lane". Chloe finds out something is wrong and lame sub-plot continues.
Next 5 minutes: First confrontational scene, not involving Clark's powers. Lex prefers talking instead of killing everyone, which he could and (logically) should do.
Next 5 minutes: Clark finds out something is wrong, with Chloe's help. CLARK AND CHLOE MUST WALK DOWN STAIRS**.
Next 2 minutes: Clark is somehow disabled. USE OF GREEN KRYPTONITE IS A MUST. Continue shitty puns.
Next 10 minutes: Clark is re-enabled, kicks everyone's ass, people bleed, lots of "stopping people from ____"
Endgame: Blood is gone, no hard feelings unless its a girl, whose hidden feelings will resurface as some crappy sub-plot a few eps down the road. OPENING BARN SCENE WITH SOFT GUITAR MUSIC IS A MUST. People make comparisons to Clark, even though he's an alien, sub-plot ends.*** Continue shitty puns.

God damn it, I really feel homicidal after watching Smallville, but then I hit real life and I think - Hey this stuff is totally fake! All RIGHT! Back to school!

Oh, it was my birthday yesterday. I had a great dinner.

*: ...
**: I cannot stress enough the (apparent) importance of this scene. Where the hell are they coming from? Upstairs? What the hell is upstairs?
***: Dude, he's a god-damn alien. How are you anything like him? Also, Clark is a mega-douche, since he could be like Clark Kent, MD, PhD, JD, MBA, BS, LLD, etc etc etc in like 20 minutes and doesn't.

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