14 October 2006

How to enter the dance floor!

Update: Due to recent events, the threat alert level has changed. Standby for any further information

How to enter the dance floor- some objective ideas:

Strange thing, this 'floor' is. Something that takes up less than 20% of the space in most clubs is the sole purpose of most people entering. Of course, there are those pagans that go for 'drink specials', something I still haven't been able to figure out (pay money to save money? fishy...). Let's cut to the chase. The problem that remains (and will remain) is that of bystanders, people on the outside of the floor, inching to get in yet for whatever reason, fail to enter and say "Oh I should have acted on my impulses" (roughly trans. "I shouda bust up in thurr", "GITRDON", "ngoQ ngech"). The last one was a Klingon translation. Of all the things people should understand, you should know that lack of action is impulsive since most people are pussies and pussy impulses are overwhelming. There is no impulse to get you inside! Only protocol. Only calculated protocol.

So how does one enter the floor? First of all, you must want to enter. You must be displaying the proper signals- what they are, I have no idea. The easiest way is to get dragged in by someone else. Hard to visualize? Think of the floor as one big cellular nucleus. You (by displaying a signal- aka signal patch or signal peptide) can be attached to a nuclear import receptor (a girl, usually) and fly right in to tango. How to get out? Similar process. You can leave by yourself, but that's awkward and you're messing up the ratio, so thanks for violating thermodynamics. Leave with an export receptor (same girl, usually). So far, I have only found one way to mechanically insert yourself into the floor and that's by doing the robot. People freak out and move out of the way, because hell, you can't see what's going on, you're a ROBOT, which means you can't move your eyes from side to side- something even the layman knows (wow!). I'm seriously never using this tactic again, but it's an interesting experience. Try not to bump into people while doing it, otherwise you might trip and fall. If you do fall, make it smooth and act like a robot on the floor. You can flail your arms around and say ERROR ERROR and make it even worse. Just, whatever you do, don't just walk up into there (or dance up into it or whatever), because 1) You're a moron if you can't find a girl to ask because even Robot Ma (detailed below), who is probably a nub freshman could ask and 2) thanks for messing up the ratio again.


Remember the guy that hit on me the other day? Yeah he got arrested. I totally regret missing that scene.

Also, I think I'm going to try some hash-brownies in my senior year on some random weekend. The plan is, to keep it completely scientific. That is, a minute (or every 5 minutes)-by-minute account of what I'm doing and what I feel. Totally awesome. That way, when people wonder what it feels like, I'll just send them my log. Whoa!

1 comment:

Viv said...

thanks for talking to me today. you're a really good friend.